Journey Through Depression

Aren't these flowers pretty? I found this hanging plant at Sam's Club, I loved the colors so I splurged and spent the $20. 

For a long time I haven't had flowers decorating my home. I haven't planted flowers for a few years. My depression was so deep, I didn't care about anything. I didn't find beauty in anything.

I just didn't care.

I'm trying to find my way out of depression. I am on medication but it's almost like a recovery of sorts. I haven't tried to do anything like plant flowers, spend time outside in the sunshine listening to the birds, enjoy a gentle breeze on my skin that it's like I'm almost having to teach myself how to do those things again.

I spend quite a bit of time feeling fearful, unsure of myself and because of that I isolate. While I think being able to enjoy being alone is healthy, I can take it too far. I take it to the point where being around other people is almost painful. And the thing is, I like people. When I finally get out around people which is usually at one of the children's sporting events, I do feel better.

I know this is a journey, a process. Some days I get discouraged, I feel it's just too hard. But I don't want to be this way forever so I will continue to try my best, putting one foot in front of the other, trusting God to guide me even when I'm not asking for His guidance.

I have so much to be thankful for and I will such guilt, that I'm being ungrateful. I am thankful. I know that even with the hard times I have faced, I have so much.

I do have regrets. I know that I haven't been there for my children like I should have, could have. I know that I have lost so much time that I can't get back. Time I could've spent laughing, living, loving.

I can't dwell on the regrets or the guilt. I don't know why I have gone down the path I have, I hope one day I can use it all for good. 

I sometimes wish that I was "normal". I will watch other people, those that seem happy and I wish I was them. I can remember being a little girl, riding in the car at night and I loved looking into the windows of people's homes, especially those with open or no curtains. I would wonder what their lives were like and I was always certain that they had much better lives than I did.

Today I want to stop looking into the windows of others, wishing and longing for what they have. I want to be happy with what I have, content. I want to enjoy life, my life.  

Comments

[Lee]

I wish you well, my friend! My, you touch on so many things that I have also felt!! The doctor gave me a prescription for Pristiq when I told him how sad I was feeling being out of work,etc...when I saw the SIDE EFFECTS of the pill, I said I'd not take that stuff! Also, it was $55/mo!! That is outrageous! I find that when I have a project to keep me busy, I don't have any problems of feeling bored or sad. IT is when I finish them....and still have no job or "social life" that I feel immediately sad/bad... I have to get past that. It is good reading your blogs!