How I Feel

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia almost 2 years ago, I've had for years but when undiagnosed because I refused to acknowledge how I was feeling. I had too much going on in my life-grieving the deather of my mother, raising my kids, taking care of my ill father. I was raised to just suck it up and to never complain.

I spent years trying to be supermom and the perfect wife. Pushing, pushing, pushing myself regardless of how I was feeling. I refused to take a moment for myself and used to look down on those who did.

I burnt the candle at both ends for years. I took care of my dying mother which was the most traumatic thing I've ever had to do. I was broken after her death with a pain inside me that I never knew could exist. I didn't want to be here without her, I didn't know how to.

I'd like to say that I'm ok now but I'm not. Losing my parents changed me, in some ways good in others not so much. Probably the worst thing is my fear of losing someone else. I have pulled back from those I love because I just can't stand it. Even my children who I love more than anyone or anything else. I regret it, I don't want to but yet I'm terrified to get too close.

After my diagnosis I was relieved because I thought I was going crazy with all my symptoms. I had heard of fibromyalgia but only in the negative sense, that it was fake, just something the doctor throws out when nothing else makes sense. 

I carried that belief even after diagnosis, telling myself it's not that big of a deal, suck it up, you're not dying. For God's sakes, you could have cancer! I didn't look sick, not really. I looked a little tired but who doesn't these days. And yeah, I limp around some, especially in the mornings.

I'm here to say today, as much for myself as for anyone else out there, fibromyalgia is real. My pain is real. So real that there are days where I wonder if I can continue to live this way. So real that I can't even talk because the energy it takes to form words is painful.

I could easily fall into all the negative things that come with a chronic illness because there are plenty. I do it more than I should. I'm trying now to change up my thinking, look at the positive things that have come out of being ill.

I have learned to not sweat the small stuff. I used to get my panties in a wad over every little thing. Now I just let it go, it's not worth the stress which can result in a flare. I love that I'm not like that anymore. I've become a much more understanding, compassionate person. I'm learning to listen to my body more and more. I love that too because I've never been one to check in with how I'm feeling. I'm learning to appreciate little things like having the energy to go shopping with my girls, talk to new people at the field hockey games, the love from my dog.

I no longer burn the candle at both ends and I am so damn thankful. Sure there are times when I wish I could just clean the house in a couple of hours rather than taking a whole day, sometimes two. I don't miss for a second being so stressed that I act like a crazy woman, flipping out over dumb things. I don't miss feeling like I have to keep up-work more for that fancy vehicle, to go out to eat 2-3 times a week, designer shoes and purses.

I've learned to be simple, to be satisfied and it's so much easier. No, I no longer get manicures every 2 weeks or pedicures ever 6 weeks. I don't get my hair cut every 6 weeks. I drive a van that I've had for 6 years that has almost 150,000 miles. We rarely eat out anymore. It was an adjustment for all of us but we've come to a place of acceptance. Our small business is struggling a bit (like many others) and because I physically can't work 2 jobs, we've learned what matters most. It's not things.

If you are my friend on Twitter, you know I have my down days. Some days the pain wins but yet I hold on. I'm strong, I'm able and I will live my life.

Comments

[FeliciaFibro]

Thanks for sharing your transitional story about taking care of yourself and learning to simplify! I love the positive outlook!