I found myself saying those words quite often with my Twitter friends, my support group. I've never been good at taking baby steps, I used to be the jump in with both feet and take off running kind of girl. Not anymore.
Fibromyalgia has forced me to slow it down, for awhile I think I've had it in reverse but that's ok. After my diagnosis came more depression which landed me on the sofa, too tired and just not giving a shit. I was not going to get on the treadmill or do yoga. I was focused on the pain and getting rid of it.
Here I am 2 years in and I'm finally getting to the place where I want to do what I can to get my strength back. And if I'm going to be completely honest my visit to the doctor last week really pushed home the fact that I needed to do something. I had 2 high blood pressure readings at the doctor and while she wasn't all that concerned considering I don't normally have a problem, something clicked. My father had high blood pressure, my sister has high blood pressure, it runs in my family and I don't want it to if I can help it.
Of course the lovely weigh in didn't help either but I can't focus on that. The scale is just a number, I don't want it to be how I measure if I'm healthy. I have spent years and years doing that and it's gotten me nowhere. I don't want to follow fad diets or even be a certain size.
I just want to be as healthy as I can.
So last Wednesday morning I hopped on the treadmill that was dusty and had a spider web two hanging from it and I walked. For ten minutes. At a rate that I used to consider warming up. It was all I could do and I got off the treadmill happy in the sense that I had actually done something but frustrated because I remembered when I could do much more. I brushed off the frustration, reported to my friends on Twitter what I had done and went on with my day.
I have walked everyday since then. I've worked up to 15 minutes at a little faster clip. I find myself worrying about the distance, then I think of trying to jog/run again, then I think of the 3 day breast cancer walk, then running a 5K. And while all those things are just fine, I can't go there. I have to remind myself, baby steps. Baby steps.
I will only do what I can do with just a little push past. Gone are the days of not listening or honoring my body. I can't afford that anymore. If there's a day I can only do 5 minutes, that's all I will do. If there is a day that all I can manage is getting my children off to school, that's all I will do.
I think if I continue to show myself compassion and care, I will be able to do more. Beating up on myself, focusing on what was or used to be can't help me today. I guess it's called living in the moment, taking it one day at a time. I call it baby steps.
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