Tyra Creates

Baby Steps

I found myself saying those words quite often with my Twitter friends, my support group. I've never been good at taking baby steps, I used to be the jump in with both feet and take off running kind of girl. Not anymore.

Fibromyalgia has forced me to slow it down, for awhile I think I've had it in reverse but that's ok. After my diagnosis came more depression which landed me on the sofa, too tired and just not giving a shit. I was not going to get on the treadmill or do yoga. I was focused on the pain and getting rid of it.

Here I am 2 years in and I'm finally getting to the place where I want to do what I can to get my strength back. And if I'm going to be completely honest my visit to the doctor last week really pushed home the fact that I needed to do something. I had 2 high blood pressure readings at the doctor and while she wasn't all that concerned considering I don't normally have a problem, something clicked. My father had high blood pressure, my sister has high blood pressure, it runs in my family and I don't want it to if I can help it.

Of course the lovely weigh in didn't help either but I can't focus on that. The scale is just a number, I don't want it to be how I measure if I'm healthy. I have spent years and years doing that and it's gotten me nowhere. I don't want to follow fad diets or even be a certain size.

I just want to be as healthy as I can.

So last Wednesday morning I hopped on the treadmill that was dusty and had a spider web two hanging from it and I walked. For ten minutes. At a rate that I used to consider warming up. It was all I could do and I got off the treadmill happy in the sense that I had actually done something but frustrated because I remembered when I could do much more. I brushed off the frustration, reported to my friends on Twitter what I had done and went on with my day.

I have walked everyday since then. I've worked up to 15 minutes at a little faster clip. I find myself worrying about the distance, then I think of trying to jog/run again, then I think of the 3 day breast cancer walk, then running a 5K. And while all those things are just fine, I can't go there. I have to remind myself, baby steps. Baby steps.

I will only do what I can do with just a little push past. Gone are the days of not listening or honoring my body. I can't afford that anymore. If there's a day I can only do 5 minutes, that's all I will do. If there is a day that all I can manage is getting my children off to school, that's all I will do.

I think if I continue to show myself compassion and care, I will be able to do more. Beating up on myself, focusing on what was or used to be can't help me today. I guess it's called living in the moment, taking it one day at a time. I call it baby steps.

Gluten Free Pumpkin Bars

Ingredients:

• 4 eggs
• 1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
• 1 cup vegetable oil (I used canola oil)
• 15oz can pumpkin
• 1 cup rice flour (I used super fine brown rice flour from Authentic Foods)
• 1 teaspoon xantham gum
• 1 cup cornstarch
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking soda

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Using an electric mixer at medium speed, combine the eggs, sugar, oil and pumpkin until light and fluffy. In a seperate bowl, stir together the rice flour, cornstarch, xantham gum, baking powder, cinnamon, salt and baking soda. Add the dry ingredients to the pumpkin mixture and mix at low speed until thoroughly combined and the batter is smooth. Spread the batter into a greased 13x9 baking pan. Bake for 30 minutes. Let cool completely before frosting. Cut into bars.

Cream Cheese Icing

• 1 8oz package cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 cup butter, softened
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 3 3/4 to 4 cups confectioners sugar

For frosting, in a mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese, butter and vanilla. Gradually beat in enough confectioners sugar to achieve the desired consistency.

These are super yummy and did not last long in my house!

Let me know if you make them and if you like them as much as we did.

My Silver Lining

I was going to participate in that blogging thing that I can never remember the name of but you're supposed to blog everyday during November. Well, as you can tell it's the 3rd day of November and I haven't blogged until today.

Oh well, I have never been good with doing group things.

Last night my daughter, Abby, the youngest one had field hockey practice and I completely forgot. Granted she made no attempt to remind me but I even had it written on my chalkboard, in my kitchen that I walk by at least 50 times a day and yet, I still forgot. Honestly I didn't even know what day it was so even though the chalkboard read Tuesday-Abby-field hockey practice-5:15pm, it meant nothing because I thought it was Monday or even Sunday.

I remember when I was one of those moms that NEVER forgot an appointment, practice, party. I was ALWAYS on time. And this is when my children were smaller, when it should've been harder. Of course this was before fibromyalgia.

I do miss always being on time but I've learned to settle for 90% of the time. I do miss being able to remember my schedule for the week without writing it in on 5 calendars and a chalkboard. I miss being able to go and go without having to rest or worry that if I don't rest I will be on the sofa for 2 days unable to do anything but watch tv and tweet. I miss not being in pain even though I barely remember that now.

But to be honest there's a lot that I don't miss. I don't miss trying to be supermom, I like knowing that I don't have to be room mom, have my kids in 15 different activities, be part of the PTA, snack mom, in order to be a good mom. Now that I have to be very choosy as to what I do, I realize that none of that makes me a good mom. What it did was make me crazy, burnt out and unappreciated. I don't miss always feeling like I have to say yes.

I don't miss the rat race, the craziness of trying to keep up, the competitiveness that happens between adults. I guess now I see that none of that matters. I don't care if I'm driving a 6 year old van with 150,000 miles on it, hell it's paid off that's one less worry for us financially. I don't care that I don't own a Coach purse, or a boat, or a camper. Not that I begrudge anyone else those things, if you want them, go for it. I just remember the pressure I used to feel trying to keep up. I don't have that today and it's awesome.

Over the last 2 years my view of life, what's important has changed. Chronic illness has given me that, forced me to slow down and make changes. At first I balked, I fought it, now I am thankful.

I'm normally a negative person but I'm trying to find the silver lining that is always there, just sometimes it takes a little while to notice it's shine.