Look Back But Don't Stare

For some reason (hormones)this week I've spent time thinking of life before my fibromyalgia diagnosis. You know the saying hindsight is always 20/20, if only I had known before fibro what I know now.

I took my health for granted. I struggled some before I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and for a couple of years after. Once the correct dosage of thyroid medication was found, I started to feel better.

That's the key, I eventually felt better. As long as I took my medication and watched my levels, I was fine other than having very dry skin and cold feet.

I wasn't thin but I was strong. I walked 3 miles a day, took early morning exercise classes and even worked up to running/walking on the treadmill. I had good balance, felt healthy and my strength was amazing.

Then I got injured during exercise class. I had something pop in my lower back which caused me to limp for weeks. I quit going to exercise class because I could barely walk on the treadmill let alone run. Around the same time my father became ill and my world became all about getting to know him. Finally. And then it became all about letting him go.

I had lost my mom to cancer 4 years before I lost my father. I found myself at the age of 34 with no parents and depression took over my life. I self-medicated for a few months, I was tired ALL the time but chalked it up to being depressed and hungover. The body aches I chalked up to my sedentary life. I had an excuse of some sort or another for my symptoms.

After several months of feeling like hell, I hit a wall. I could barely get out of bed, I avoided having conversations because at times I wouldn't be able to recall a word or I would forget what I was talking about mid-sentence. I had to make lists of lists, write every appointment on several different calendars in order to remember where I had to be and when and I would still forget. I was so damn tired but unable to sleep. There wasn't a part of my body that didn't hurt. Walking up or down stairs I would have to hold onto the railing and go slowly because I felt like I would fall.

I finally went to the doctor, I couldn't ignore how I was feeling anymore. I was afraid that I was losing my mind, that I would be told that it was all in my head. Thankfully I have a great doctor who took the time to listen as I listed my symptoms and yes, I did write them down because I knew I would forget some. She believed me and said that she was positive that I had fibromyalgia.

Here I am now, 2 1/2 years after diagnosis. I take narcotics daily just to function. I am tired everyday all day. I have insomnia more nights than I don't. I'm lucky to sleep a solid 4 hours. It amazes me how I can be so damn tired but not sleep. I have kids and I work part-time so I push myself. A LOT. Eventually I push to the point of utter exhaustion and for a day or two I can do little to nothing.

I do wish I had enjoyed my health more, done more, listened to my body more. Shoulda woulda coulda. I'm still grieving my "old" life, sometimes more than others. I can't say having fibromyalgia has been all bad. I've made some great friends I've never even met in person but get me more than most who see me daily. I've learned the value of slowing down even when I don't. I've learned to prioritize and say no.

I fight guilt more than I admit. That is something I need to work on. I need to follow what I tell my friends. I can only do what I can do. Don't be so hard on myself. Find joy in the little things. Stay connected to those who understand. Sleep when I can. Read a book even if it takes forever. Watch mindless tv. Keep my phone charged. Wear good shoes. Have comfy pajamas.

Don't live in the past.

Comments

[Nicole]

Excellent advice! I have a hard time remembering when I felt good. I was always kind of sluggish because I've had depression since I was a kid. But the combo of depression and fibro has made me unable to do many things many days. Im glad we have found each other and can support each other. :)

[Cathy/greytfriend]

Do what I say, not what I do, right? Why are we always so hard on ourselves? We see more clearly for our friends and loved ones, but for ourselves it gets all jumbled. Don't feel guilty! Feel proud of all you DO accomplish, more than many people even without the challenges you face.

[sipora]

Just found your blog! I like :) Do you still find that thyroid meds help? Do u still have thyroid issues?

Sipora