The past few days have been rough, the fatigue has been relentless. Fatigue like this is overwhelming and after a few days of it, I become weepy and sad.
I feel powerless.
Yesterday I went to a couple of stores with my husband and it was all I could do to walk. I found myself clinging to the cart, willing my legs to move, each step feeling like I was dragging my feet through mud.
I was nauseous, sweating and worried I wouldn't make it. I didn't say a word. I was too afraid to speak. I think it was one of those times where you just can't say how you're feeling because if you put it out there, it becomes real. If you say nothing, if you don't let anyone else know, then maybe you can even fool yourself.
As we were standing in the check out line, I started wondering where my life is heading. Will I eventually not be able to go shopping without the aid of a wheelchair? Will I spend more and more hours alone in my house while the rest of my family is out enjoying their lives?
The word powerless came to mind.
I don't like feeling powerless but then who does? I'm all about power, strength, pushing through, moving on. Since my fibro diagnosis, I've learned that having power isn't just about physical strength, it's more a thought process.
The most powerful people I know are the ones I've met in the chronically awesome community. These are hundreds of men and women who deal with debilitating daily pain, some are bedridden, some use canes, wheelchairs or walkers. Some take enormous amounts of medication to do what "normal" people take for granted.
It takes power to get through each day facing the hurtles of the chronically ill. There's no greater power than pushing through when part of you just wants to give in because you're so damn tired of hurting and struggling.
When the feelings of powerlessness come over me, I remind myself that in a lot of ways I am powerless. Everyone is. I've had plenty of situations in my 39 years that I had no control over and some sucked. I can say I came out on the other side having learned my most precious lessons.
I have power. Power to change my thoughts, reach out and help others, make the most of everyday. It doesn't matter if I am in bed, on the sofa or at work. I can do all these things and more.
I get scared, I worry about my future and my health. I worry about my children and their futures. There are numerous things a day that I worry about because I can't control them which pushes me right into feeling powerless. Sometimes I cry and feel sorry for myself for awhile. Then I reach down deep and put one foot in front of the other. Slowly I start to feel better, I've found my power.
