Tyra Creates

Deserve

I've been struggling lately with some things that I thought I had accepted and put to rest. For the past several weeks I have been feeling conflicted and upset about my fibromyalgia, my arthrisit, my pain and my medication.

I'm 39 and I hope I have a lot of years left to live. On the days the pain is bad, I think about that. How I have potentially many years left of living just as I am now and honestly, there's a part of me that isn't sure how I feel about it. Of course I want to live to be an old woman. I want to know my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren. Some days when the pain is in my face, not giving me a moments peace, I don't know how I will manage it.

I keep thinking there has to be more than this, a better way if you will. I've been beating myself up trying to come up with things I can change, try or stop doing. Basically, I'm trying to come up with a different way to deal with my illnesses and their changes, different than how I'm dealing with them now.

My biggest area of conflict is medication. I take a prescribed narcotic 3-4 times a day in order to go about my day. I've never hidden what I take from my family and friends, thinking that full disclosure and honesty was the best way to go about things. Now, 2 years later I wonder if I should've just kept my medications between my doctor and me.

When most people hear the word narcotic, they think of drug addiction. Prescription drug addiction is an over growing problem, I won't deny that. However, there are people who need narcotics for pain relief so they can have some semblance of a life. Those of use with chronic pain are kind of lost in the cracks, overshadowed by the pain and chaos caused by drug addiction.

Addiction and dependence are two totally different things. Am I addicted to my pain medication? Absolutely not. Is my body depedent on my pain medication? Yes, I've taken it daily for over 2 years. Just as I've taken an antidepressant, my body is dependent on it as well.

I'm not here to explain the difference between the two. I know my truth, I just wish certain people in my life would rest easy in that. I'm not against people being concerned for me, I'm even ok when someone tells me they worry about what the medications I take are doing to my body. It's a valid concern, one I have myself on a daily basis. But I have to weigh the pros vs the cons and go with what I feel is the best choice for me.

I get hung up in where concern ends for me and worry for the other person comes into play. By that I mean, how much of it is concern with my health and well being or concern that "others" may find out I take prescription pain medication? The medication you hear about on the news and documentary shows. How much of it is my husband worrying that other people may think his wife is a drug addict?

I don't want anyone in my family to be ashamed of me or shamed by me. That people pleasing part of me kicks in and immediately decides that they are right and maybe I need to find another way. Then the other more sensible side of me very quietly, starts to list all that I have tried. It wasn't that I got diagnosed with fibro and went directly to strong pain medication.

I need to start following the advice I would give to any of my friends, advice that they have given me. I deserve to have the best life possible, not one full of physical pain so overwhelming that I can't get out of bed. This is the life I've been given and I need to work within it. I can only continue to educate my family so they won't worry as much. I can't stop what I need to make them feel better. Somewhere along the line, they will come around and if they don't, that's their issue not mine.

It's Better To Be Thankful

Today I was struck by the green monster. Jealousy. Envy. I know that nothing good comes out of jealousy. Jealousy breeds discontent, anger and bitterness. Those emotions are exhausting and I'm tired enough.

Since I hate when people are evasive with me, I'm going to suck it up and be honest about what me jealous.

I read someone's status on Facebook. Yes, I'm jealous over what someone posted on Facebook. I promise I'm not shallow.

That person was talking about spending the day out with friends, visiting a yarn store and having a leisurely lunch. I was immediately struck dumb with jealousy. I started thinking all kinds of snarky things like "I wish I had the time to spend all day out with friends, doing what I want, spending money and not having to rush!"

If I get honest though, that's not why I was jealous. I was jealous because her status didn't end with a statement of how exhausted or in pain she was from her day out with friends.

I'm jealous of her health.

I can't sit in this long and the only way I know how to change how I feel is to be thankful. Thankful for where I am in my life right now. I can't live in the if onlys, the why me, the unfairness.

I need to be thankful that if I want to I can go shopping with friends because I'm alive. Yes, I will be exhausted and most likely in a lot of pain for several days. But I can do it. I'm thankful that my husband has work which requires me having to work because that means we have a paycheck. I'm thankful to have three healthy, busy children who need me. I'm thankful for my sweet bulldog who needs me even more.

No one ever promised me life would be easy and I've learned that life isn't always fair. I've also learned a lot of life is what you make of it. You can choose to stay in the self pity, anger, jealousy or not.

Believe I'm not the type who spouts rainbows, kittens and unicorns. I'm a realist, lots of time a pessimist and sometimes a down right grump. And that's ok. I just don't stay there long. Life is just plain better when you can be thankful.

 

False Advertising? Not Really.

Nothing irritates me more than Lyrica and Cymbalta commercials.

Take Lyrica and you'll be out gardening and making jewelry. You'll have your old life back. When the commerical comes on, I have this overwhelming urge to throw the remote at the television.

I guess I get irritated because I didn't have a good experience taking Lyrica. Actually, I regret to this day that I ever took it. There are many who benefit from taking it but I don't know very many. Most people that I've talked to feel the same as I do.

Having an invisible illness is hard enough without the misconception that just taking a certain medication will make everything all better. Even those who take the Lyrica and do well, don't have their lives back.

As for Cymbalta, I have been taking it for quite some time now. For my fibromyalgia. Not depression. I tried taking it on it's own for depression and fibro but unfortunately, it was just not effective enough to control my depression. I will say it does help with my fibro pain.

It comes with it's own set of side effects. Weight gain and fatigue are the ones I have experienced. I take it at night because it makes me too drowsy to take during the day.

Also, if you've taken it for awhile, stopping it isn't so easy. It will be a longer process of titrating down and it's not fun. I also urge anyone with clinical depression to talk with your doctor about taking another antidepressant along with the Cymbalta. My pharmacist told me that the literature even states that it should be used in conjunction with another antidepressant.

I understand that drug companies have to make their products sound appealing and wonderful. It's all about making money. I just want to put out the reality behind the medications. The thing with invisible illnesses is that they are in fact, invisible. On the outside we look fine but truth be told, our bodies have betrayed us. We fight pain, so much pain that no pill can fix.

If it was only that easy.

Self Care

Taking care of ourselves is important yet so hard. As a wife and mom to three kids, I've put myself last on the list of everything I take care of. It's a common theme among most women I know. It's easier to put yourself last. You promise yourself that one day you will take the time to do the things you like to do. If you wait too long, like I have, you don't even know what you want to do, what you like or sadly, how to even care for yourself.

After many years of putting myself last, I've realized that I need to love myself enough to practice self care. That my children and husband will actually survive if I do, even if they think they won't. If anything everyone in my life will benefit if I'm taking care of myself.

The whole idea of self care is overwhelming. At first, I went the "normal" route, thinking self care was about diet and exercise and to some degree it is. However, I look at the diet aspect as eating good food that makes your body feel satisfied and healthy. That means different things to everyone. I personally feel best when I eat gluten free, dairy free. Exercise is different for everyone as well. I have chronic pain with fatigue so my activity needs to be gentle. I can't run, I can't even walk fast. But I love yoga, pilates and short walks.

I have also made the decision to dress comfortably. I absolutely refuse to wear clothes that are too tight or shoes that kill my feet. I have IBS and being a woman, I get bloated so I make sure I have comfy clothes for those times too. I buy colors that I like and fabrics that feel good.

I'm trying to carve out time everyday to do something I enjoy. I crochet, read, take pictures, spend time on twitter or pinterest.

I try to listen to my body and rest when I need to even when my to do list is a mile long. That's a hard one for me and I don't always do it. However, sometimes I do and it's not about being perfect. Self care includes being nicer, more accepting of yourself. I am my own worst critic, always thinking I should be doing more or doing it better.

There's more ways to take care of yourself like seeing your doctor regularly, yearly dental exams, having your hair cut, treating yourself to a mani/pedi or massage, calling a friend, snuggle a purring cat.

What are ways you practice self care? Is it something you're good at or are you like me and working on it?