Tyra Creates

Deserve

I've been struggling lately with some things that I thought I had accepted and put to rest. For the past several weeks I have been feeling conflicted and upset about my fibromyalgia, my arthrisit, my pain and my medication.

I'm 39 and I hope I have a lot of years left to live. On the days the pain is bad, I think about that. How I have potentially many years left of living just as I am now and honestly, there's a part of me that isn't sure how I feel about it. Of course I want to live to be an old woman. I want to know my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren. Some days when the pain is in my face, not giving me a moments peace, I don't know how I will manage it.

I keep thinking there has to be more than this, a better way if you will. I've been beating myself up trying to come up with things I can change, try or stop doing. Basically, I'm trying to come up with a different way to deal with my illnesses and their changes, different than how I'm dealing with them now.

My biggest area of conflict is medication. I take a prescribed narcotic 3-4 times a day in order to go about my day. I've never hidden what I take from my family and friends, thinking that full disclosure and honesty was the best way to go about things. Now, 2 years later I wonder if I should've just kept my medications between my doctor and me.

When most people hear the word narcotic, they think of drug addiction. Prescription drug addiction is an over growing problem, I won't deny that. However, there are people who need narcotics for pain relief so they can have some semblance of a life. Those of use with chronic pain are kind of lost in the cracks, overshadowed by the pain and chaos caused by drug addiction.

Addiction and dependence are two totally different things. Am I addicted to my pain medication? Absolutely not. Is my body depedent on my pain medication? Yes, I've taken it daily for over 2 years. Just as I've taken an antidepressant, my body is dependent on it as well.

I'm not here to explain the difference between the two. I know my truth, I just wish certain people in my life would rest easy in that. I'm not against people being concerned for me, I'm even ok when someone tells me they worry about what the medications I take are doing to my body. It's a valid concern, one I have myself on a daily basis. But I have to weigh the pros vs the cons and go with what I feel is the best choice for me.

I get hung up in where concern ends for me and worry for the other person comes into play. By that I mean, how much of it is concern with my health and well being or concern that "others" may find out I take prescription pain medication? The medication you hear about on the news and documentary shows. How much of it is my husband worrying that other people may think his wife is a drug addict?

I don't want anyone in my family to be ashamed of me or shamed by me. That people pleasing part of me kicks in and immediately decides that they are right and maybe I need to find another way. Then the other more sensible side of me very quietly, starts to list all that I have tried. It wasn't that I got diagnosed with fibro and went directly to strong pain medication.

I need to start following the advice I would give to any of my friends, advice that they have given me. I deserve to have the best life possible, not one full of physical pain so overwhelming that I can't get out of bed. This is the life I've been given and I need to work within it. I can only continue to educate my family so they won't worry as much. I can't stop what I need to make them feel better. Somewhere along the line, they will come around and if they don't, that's their issue not mine.

Put Yourself First

 Most women I know have a horrible habit of putting their needs and wants on the backburner. I will admit I am extremely guilty of it.

I have cooked dinner when I was in so much pain I could barely stand at the stove. I have sat at sports practices exhausted, its not uncommon to find me sleeping in my car.

Guilt drives me to do things that aren't good for me, to put my needs last.

Slowly I'm learning that I'm not doing anyone any good, especially myself by standing at the stove in tears or driving a kid to practice so exhausted I'm forcing my eyes to stay open. I'm learning to let go of the guilt.

It's not easy. Everyone in my life is adjusting to hearing the words "No, I can't. I'm sorry." They aren't always happy about it which makes my mom/wife/sister/friend guilt kick into high gear. In the past I always caved, now I cave about 30% of the time. It's progress not perfection.

My family and I spend every Easter at my in-laws. We have a big dinner, one of the bigger kids which is one of my kids dress up in the Easter bunny costume and the little kids have an Easter egg hunt. It's a fun day but a long day. A very long day.

This Easter was unusually hot and humid. My in-laws who are wealthy never turn on their air condition. Ever. Their house is big but you cram 30 people, 2 ovens cooking plus a stove top and it's damn hot in there.

I don't do cold too well and I don't do hot too well unless I'm sitting by the pool or the ocean. So as soon as I realized how hot the day was going to be, I planned to drive seperately from my family. That never goes over very well. The kids don't really care but for some reason my husband hates it. And yes, with the price of gas today, driving together would have been the most fuel efficient way but this is one of those situations where I need to place my health and my sanity first.

I managed four hours and then I had to leave. I was sick to my stomach from the heat, developing a bad headache and getting shakey. I said my good-byes and home I went with the A/C in my car blasting. Part of me worried what everyone was saying because this is the first time I've ever left a family dinner early and alone no less.

When I got home, put on some comfy clothes and snuggled with my puppy all those worries slipped away as I started to feel better physically. I sat in the silence, rubbing Mack's soft ears and knew that for once I had put myself first and it had been the right thing to do.

I'm writing this from the perspective of someone with a chronic illness but putting yourself, your health, your sanity first doesn't just apply to us. It applies to ALL women who put themselves last because most do. It's not easy, sometimes you will even make people angry but that's more their issue than yours.

It's taken me years and a chronic illness to get here. I wished that I had reached this place way earlier. I wish that I had learned to stop burning the candle at both ends. I wish I had taken more naps when my body was tired. I wish I had said no to some things so I could say yes to others.

Start today, don't wait. Take the time to enjoy the sunset, sit outside and watch your kids ride their bikes or just run around being kids. Have your husband put the kids to bed so you can enjoy a bubble bath or go to bed early with a good book.

You deserve it.

Crafty Sunday

On Sunday my 2 daughters-Ally (the oldest) & Abby (the youngest) plus Abby's friend Lexi decorated t-shirts. I took black t-shirts, ironed on last names, gave them neon puff fabric paints and let them go.

   
 

Ally also made bracelets out of bandanas.

 Pick 3 colors of bandanas, cut a strip from each one.

(Please ignore the bread on the table, I was in the process of putting away groceries.) 

Then you just set them up to braid them. Make sure you knot the end.

Here she is using my laundry detergent to keep the strips in place.

She also used my x-large can of pizza sauce.

Or you could actually ask your sister to hold the end for you.

And you braid the strips. Make sure you put a knot at the end as well.

Here you go with the finished product.

I would guess you could use old shirts, sheets, pretty much anything to make these bracelets.

The girls had so much fun crafting, they want to do it every Sunday which of course, makes me very happy. I love crafts and I love watching them be creative.

I was so inspired by them that I had went into the depths of my craft closet and brought out my card making supplies. I will post pics as soon as I have a few made. Right now I'm enjoying just sorting through, thinking and dreaming of what I want to do.

Making things, being creative brings me such pleasure that I don't know why I don't do it more often. Even just a little everyday. I want to start scheduling crafty time into my day. All too often I will think of doing something and I can find 10 different things I could be doing or should be doing. Why shouldn't I take the time to do something I love so much?

Do you take the time to do things you love?

   

Journey Through Depression

Aren't these flowers pretty? I found this hanging plant at Sam's Club, I loved the colors so I splurged and spent the $20. 

For a long time I haven't had flowers decorating my home. I haven't planted flowers for a few years. My depression was so deep, I didn't care about anything. I didn't find beauty in anything.

I just didn't care.

I'm trying to find my way out of depression. I am on medication but it's almost like a recovery of sorts. I haven't tried to do anything like plant flowers, spend time outside in the sunshine listening to the birds, enjoy a gentle breeze on my skin that it's like I'm almost having to teach myself how to do those things again.

I spend quite a bit of time feeling fearful, unsure of myself and because of that I isolate. While I think being able to enjoy being alone is healthy, I can take it too far. I take it to the point where being around other people is almost painful. And the thing is, I like people. When I finally get out around people which is usually at one of the children's sporting events, I do feel better.

I know this is a journey, a process. Some days I get discouraged, I feel it's just too hard. But I don't want to be this way forever so I will continue to try my best, putting one foot in front of the other, trusting God to guide me even when I'm not asking for His guidance.

I have so much to be thankful for and I will such guilt, that I'm being ungrateful. I am thankful. I know that even with the hard times I have faced, I have so much.

I do have regrets. I know that I haven't been there for my children like I should have, could have. I know that I have lost so much time that I can't get back. Time I could've spent laughing, living, loving.

I can't dwell on the regrets or the guilt. I don't know why I have gone down the path I have, I hope one day I can use it all for good. 

I sometimes wish that I was "normal". I will watch other people, those that seem happy and I wish I was them. I can remember being a little girl, riding in the car at night and I loved looking into the windows of people's homes, especially those with open or no curtains. I would wonder what their lives were like and I was always certain that they had much better lives than I did.

Today I want to stop looking into the windows of others, wishing and longing for what they have. I want to be happy with what I have, content. I want to enjoy life, my life.