Tyra Creates

Deserve

I've been struggling lately with some things that I thought I had accepted and put to rest. For the past several weeks I have been feeling conflicted and upset about my fibromyalgia, my arthrisit, my pain and my medication.

I'm 39 and I hope I have a lot of years left to live. On the days the pain is bad, I think about that. How I have potentially many years left of living just as I am now and honestly, there's a part of me that isn't sure how I feel about it. Of course I want to live to be an old woman. I want to know my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren. Some days when the pain is in my face, not giving me a moments peace, I don't know how I will manage it.

I keep thinking there has to be more than this, a better way if you will. I've been beating myself up trying to come up with things I can change, try or stop doing. Basically, I'm trying to come up with a different way to deal with my illnesses and their changes, different than how I'm dealing with them now.

My biggest area of conflict is medication. I take a prescribed narcotic 3-4 times a day in order to go about my day. I've never hidden what I take from my family and friends, thinking that full disclosure and honesty was the best way to go about things. Now, 2 years later I wonder if I should've just kept my medications between my doctor and me.

When most people hear the word narcotic, they think of drug addiction. Prescription drug addiction is an over growing problem, I won't deny that. However, there are people who need narcotics for pain relief so they can have some semblance of a life. Those of use with chronic pain are kind of lost in the cracks, overshadowed by the pain and chaos caused by drug addiction.

Addiction and dependence are two totally different things. Am I addicted to my pain medication? Absolutely not. Is my body depedent on my pain medication? Yes, I've taken it daily for over 2 years. Just as I've taken an antidepressant, my body is dependent on it as well.

I'm not here to explain the difference between the two. I know my truth, I just wish certain people in my life would rest easy in that. I'm not against people being concerned for me, I'm even ok when someone tells me they worry about what the medications I take are doing to my body. It's a valid concern, one I have myself on a daily basis. But I have to weigh the pros vs the cons and go with what I feel is the best choice for me.

I get hung up in where concern ends for me and worry for the other person comes into play. By that I mean, how much of it is concern with my health and well being or concern that "others" may find out I take prescription pain medication? The medication you hear about on the news and documentary shows. How much of it is my husband worrying that other people may think his wife is a drug addict?

I don't want anyone in my family to be ashamed of me or shamed by me. That people pleasing part of me kicks in and immediately decides that they are right and maybe I need to find another way. Then the other more sensible side of me very quietly, starts to list all that I have tried. It wasn't that I got diagnosed with fibro and went directly to strong pain medication.

I need to start following the advice I would give to any of my friends, advice that they have given me. I deserve to have the best life possible, not one full of physical pain so overwhelming that I can't get out of bed. This is the life I've been given and I need to work within it. I can only continue to educate my family so they won't worry as much. I can't stop what I need to make them feel better. Somewhere along the line, they will come around and if they don't, that's their issue not mine.

Self Care

Taking care of ourselves is important yet so hard. As a wife and mom to three kids, I've put myself last on the list of everything I take care of. It's a common theme among most women I know. It's easier to put yourself last. You promise yourself that one day you will take the time to do the things you like to do. If you wait too long, like I have, you don't even know what you want to do, what you like or sadly, how to even care for yourself.

After many years of putting myself last, I've realized that I need to love myself enough to practice self care. That my children and husband will actually survive if I do, even if they think they won't. If anything everyone in my life will benefit if I'm taking care of myself.

The whole idea of self care is overwhelming. At first, I went the "normal" route, thinking self care was about diet and exercise and to some degree it is. However, I look at the diet aspect as eating good food that makes your body feel satisfied and healthy. That means different things to everyone. I personally feel best when I eat gluten free, dairy free. Exercise is different for everyone as well. I have chronic pain with fatigue so my activity needs to be gentle. I can't run, I can't even walk fast. But I love yoga, pilates and short walks.

I have also made the decision to dress comfortably. I absolutely refuse to wear clothes that are too tight or shoes that kill my feet. I have IBS and being a woman, I get bloated so I make sure I have comfy clothes for those times too. I buy colors that I like and fabrics that feel good.

I'm trying to carve out time everyday to do something I enjoy. I crochet, read, take pictures, spend time on twitter or pinterest.

I try to listen to my body and rest when I need to even when my to do list is a mile long. That's a hard one for me and I don't always do it. However, sometimes I do and it's not about being perfect. Self care includes being nicer, more accepting of yourself. I am my own worst critic, always thinking I should be doing more or doing it better.

There's more ways to take care of yourself like seeing your doctor regularly, yearly dental exams, having your hair cut, treating yourself to a mani/pedi or massage, calling a friend, snuggle a purring cat.

What are ways you practice self care? Is it something you're good at or are you like me and working on it?